Ben & Jerry’s Declares War: The Great Ice Cream Woke-Off!
In a stunning turn of events, Ben & Jerry’s has decided to embark on a woke crusade against America on Independence Day. Yes, you heard that right. While most Americans were enjoying parades and BBQs, this famous ice cream brand was busy launching an attack on the very land it calls home.
“This 4th of July, it’s high time we recognize that the US exists on stolen Indigenous land and commit to returning it,” Ben & Jerry’s tweeted with all the gusto of a social justice warrior armed with a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Their argument? That the US was founded on stolen Indigenous land. As if that’s news to anyone who passed their history classes in school (or at least glanced at the Sparknotes version).
Surely they don’t anticipate receiving accolades for stating something so obvious? But alas, they went full throttle and took it one step further by chastising every American for celebrating Independence Day without remembering to feel guilty about our ancestors’ transgressions.
Megyn Kelly Fires Back
Megyn Kelly is not impressed by Ben & Jerry’s woke shenanigans. On her podcast episode following Independence Day celebrations, she tore into them like an eagle swooping down upon its prey (cue patriotic background music).
“The two guys behind Ben & Jerry’s… sold their company for over $300 million but they still hate America,” Kelly said, according to the Daily Mail.
Well, well, well…it seems we have a case of wealthy ice cream moguls who despise the very nation that gave them the opportunity to make millions off their frothy concoctions. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you (or should I say licking your own ice cream cone while smearing red, white, and blue all over your face).
But Kelly didn’t stop there. Oh no! She went on to point out the irony in these woke warriors making their own lives miserable with this incessant need to virtue signal at every turn. Bravo!
The Ice Cream Battle Goes Viral
Kelly isn’t alone in her criticism of Ben & Jerry’s latest antics. Social media users everywhere are taking aim at this iconic brand for its virtue signaling extravaganza.
If I had a dollar for every tweet calling out Ben & Jerry’s for going woke…I’d be able to buy an entire pint of Half Baked (and trust me, after dealing with this nonsense I could use some comforting ice cream).
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Social media users suggested some hilarious ways for Ben & Jerry’s to take their wokeness even further. One user recommended they give away all their stores to Native American tribes that originally owned those zip codes – now THAT would be true ‘woke’ leadership indeed!
Ah, the sweet sound of sarcasm in the morning. It truly is music to our ears.
Ben & Jerry’s: A History of Virtue Signaling Meltdowns
This isn’t the first time Ben & Jerry’s has gone woke and launched a public display of virtue signaling fireworks that would put even Katy Perry’s halftime show to shame.
Just last month, they announced they were pulling their advertising from Twitter because apparently Elon Musk had somehow transformed it into a harbor for hate speech (come on people, let’s not use Twitter as an excuse for anything).
In 2021, they faced backlash after deciding to stop selling ice cream in Israel’s “Occupied Palestinian Territory.” Because what better way to solve one of the world’s most complex conflicts than by removing your frozen treats from store shelves? Clearly these ice cream connoisseurs are also experts in Middle Eastern politics…not!
The Consequences of Wokeness: Hello Bankruptcy?
It seems Ben & Jerry’s hasn’t learned from other companies’ disastrous descents into wokeness oblivion (ahem…Bud Light anyone?). Yes, when you go woke, you often end up going broke.
But who are we to prevent them from digging their own financial grave? If they want to trade the happiness and enjoyment of millions of ice cream enthusiasts for an illusionary sense of moral superiority, then by all means I say let them bury themselves in a vat of melted Chunky Monkey.
In conclusion, dear Ben & Jerry’s, we urge you to reconsider your path. Remember that ice cream is meant to bring joy and delight into people’s lives, not guilt and shame. Stick to what you know best: crafting delicious flavors that transport us away from the troubles of reality. Leave the virtue signaling for those who have nothing better to do…like professional Twitter warriors or politicians trying desperately to secure re-election.
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