In a turn of events that had pollsters squirming in discomfort and statisticians second-guessing their college degrees, self-help author turned unicorn-whisperer Marianne Williamson has momentarily shifted the South Carolina Democratic primary into what can only be described as an alternate universe. Pausing her crystal ball consultations and casting aside sage smudging sessions, she outpaced Representative Dean Phillips of Minnesota by 2.1 to 1.7 percent – a feat considered less probable than winning the lotterySponsored Product while getting struck by lightning on a Tuesday.
While President Biden continued his dominating charge through the race with 96 percent votes (clearly he’s been siphoning off some of Marianne’s positive energy), undoubtedly the real news sure isn’t about his expected victory, considering even the Wi-Fi password at Democratic headquarters is “BidenWinsAgain.”
Yet despite being overshadowed in this oddly mesmerizing Williamson whirlwind, Mr.Phillips finished surprisingly close to one who dabbles with destiny using tarot cards! For him, coming third behind two such forces might feel like showing up for Star Wars auditions just to find out your character gets wacked halfway through Episode VII.
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Having splashed $4 million of personal wealth on top of an otherwise frugal campaign budget inside three months hint celebration certainly may not involve champagne for Mr. Phillips! According to the Federal Election Commission, it might be discounted soda and a two-for-one pizza on his list.
The always confident (or is that deluded?) Representative Phillips had made some hazy-eyed predication via Twitter that Mr. Biden would land 95 percent votes in South Carolina – still, you’ve got to hand it him…close but no trophy!
Cautiously celebrating third place with enthusiasm usually reserved for discovering a dollar under your car seat, Mr.Phillips took to Twitter stating: “Cracking four digits never felt so good.” Yes Dean, we hear ‘ya bro- every vote counts
“It’s like going into battle armed with a sword…..and finding out everyone else has lightsabers!”
Biden’s challengers’ rare public appearances somehow befitted their quirky reputations. The spiritual savant from Texas started lighting incense in South Carolina almost twelve months back while Minnesota’s financial prodigal son joined this delightful political circus only last November.
In what felt like an episode of “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,” just ten people answered the call for one of Phillips’ election rallies last month. This ended up looking less political rally & more intimate book club when attendees found themselves encircled by vacant chairs akin to seance setup! Even Luke Skywalker had better luck attracting Jedi than these guys…
Riding high on past glory which includes finishing ahead of Ms.Williamson by a whopping 15 points, Phillips made an attempt to move mountains in New Hampshire too. However, his dreams of an underdog victory exploded like post-Christmas dietSponsored Product plans as he ultimately concluded the race with less than 20 percent votes.
In essence, this unscripted drama is proof that sometimes there are more plot twists and turns in politics than all existing seasons of “Game of Thrones.” Whether you’re channeling otherworldly wisdom or dishing out dollars like hotcakes – political dynamics prove once again they can be tougher to keep up with than your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password!
Marianne Williamson Tops Dean Phillips for a Very Distant Second Place