The political network run by Charles and David Koch, those infamous conservative industrialists with more money than sense, have apparently raised over $70 million for political races. Yes, you read that right. They have so much excess cash lying around that they decided to throw it at Republicans in an effort to move past Donald J. Trump. Because what better way to spend your millions than trying to take down a former president? It’s not like there are any other pressing issues that could use that money, right?
This group called Americans for Prosperity Action (because nothing says “prosperity” like throwing millions of dollars into politics) has never before gotten involved in the G.O.P. presidential race, but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. With their massive donations from two groups affiliated with Charles Koch himself, they plan on meddling in the 2024 primaries and doing whatever it takes to make sure Mr. Trump doesn’t get the nomination again.
You see, these wealthy donors who have more money than they know what to do with are terrified of another four years of Trump because… well actually, we’re not really sure why exactly they don’t want him as the nominee again. Maybe it’s because he managed to win statewide races despite only having about a third of Republican support behind him back in 2016? Or maybe it’s because his poll numbers have stayed strong even after facing two criminal indictments? Who knows! All we know is that some rich folks are scared sh*tless and willing to put up $70 million just to prevent Trump from winning.
But wait a minute! There seems to be some confusion among these elite conservatives about who should take down Trump instead. First they were banking on Governor Ron DeSantis from Florida – you know, the guy who stumbled through his campaign and saw his poll numbers drop faster than a Kardashian marriage? Yeah… turns out he wasn’t their knight in shining armor after all. So now they’re left scrambling, desperately hoping that someone like Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina will magically pop up and take the lead. Because nothing says “electable candidate” like a last-minute surprise with zero name recognition!
Meanwhile, Trump’s supporters are rallying behind their golden boy once again (because apparently two indictments don’t faze them), while these fancy pants donors can’t seem to make up their minds. They’re sitting on their piles of money, afraid to open their checkbooks until they see which way the wind blows. It’s almost comical how paralyzed they are – you’d think it was Trump himself holding a gun to their heads.
But fear not! The Koch network is confident that this time around will be different from 2016. Because as we all know, the world has changed sooo much in the last eight years. Voters have gained an entirely new base of knowledge about Trump (spoiler alert: he sucks) and supposedly other candidates will treat him differently this time around… Yeah right! As if anyone really believes these spineless politicians have the guts to challenge him.
So what’s next for our dear Charles Koch and his band of wealthy cronies? Well, apparently they’re going to shower us with a new round of digital ads focused on electability (because who doesn’t love being bombarded by political ads online?). They’ll also be sending out some good ol’ fashioned direct mail because obviously snail mail is super effective in this day and age.
And let’s not forget about those door-knockers – because nothing says “please vote for our preferred candidate” quite like having strangers show up uninvited at your front door trying to convince you that Trump isn’t actually invincible. Who needs privacy anyway?
In conclusion, it seems that these rich folks just can’t get enough politics in their lives. While there are countless issues plaguing our country – poverty, climate change, healthcare – they somehow have the time and resources to throw millions of dollars at a futile attempt to stop Trump. But hey, at least it’s entertaining for the rest of us. So grab some popcorn and let’s watch as these confused conservatives try to figure out who can save them from their ultimate nightmare: four more years of Donald J. Trump. Good luck with that!