# Breaking News: Elizabeth Holmes Declares Being “Broke” After Leaving Prison
Uh-oh, folks, hold on to your lab coats! Disgraced entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes, the mastermind behind the infamous Theranos blood-testing scam, has just dropped the bombshell of the century. Brace yourself, because this is a shocker: she can’t afford to pay $250 each month to her victims. I know, I know, it’s devastating. How will she survive?
In case you’ve been living under a rock, Holmes began her luxurious 11-year, three-month prison vacation in May. She was found guilty last year of wire fraud and conspiracy for deceiving investors about her company’s non-existent technology and business operations. I mean, who wouldn’t trust a dropout from Stanford University with their hard-earned money?
But wait, it gets better! Just last month, a federal judge ordered Holmes and her partner-in-crime, Ramesh Balwani, to pay a whopping $452 million in restitution to the poor souls they defrauded. That’s right, folks, she owes a substantial amount of money to investors, including the one and only media mogul, Rupert Murdoch. Can someone spare a few pennies for this struggling entrepreneur?
Now, here’s the plot twist: the court wants our dear Elizabeth to pay $250 or at least 10 percent of her earnings each month as part of her restitution. But guess what? Holmes’s lawyers are fighting tooth and nail against this outrageous demand. They claim that their poor client has “limited financial resources.” Oh, boo-hoo! Poor Elizabeth can’t scrape together a measly $250 every month. Let’s all take a moment to wipe away our tears.
But let’s not forget her partner-in-crime, Balwani. According to court records, he has to pay a minimum of $1,000 per month after his release from prison. Wow, talk about inequality! Apparently, serving nearly 13 years in prison is deserving of a heftier restitution burden. But Holmes’s lawyers argue that it’s only fair that they’re treated differently. They insist that there’s no evidence of a “clerical error” and that their client shouldn’t have to pay a dime more. Such a noble defense!
Naturally, Holmes’s lawyers refused to grace us with their presence for a comment. Can’t blame them, really. And of course, the Justice Department declined to comment as well. Guess they’re too busy fighting real crime or something.
Now, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the victims of Holmes’s deceitful empire. Among the notable names on the list are RDV Corporation, an investment firm representing Michigan’s wealthy DeVos family, and some investment vehicles tied to the late Don Lucas, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist. Boy, these folks really knew how to pick their investments, didn’t they?
In case you forgot, Holmes managed to raise a grand total of $945 million for Theranos. She promised us a healthcare revolution with her magical blood tests that could detect numerous ailments with just a few drops of blood. It all sounded too good to be true, which, surprise, surprise, it was! The Wall Street Journal exposed the scam in 2015, and Theranos swiftly dissolved in 2018. Oops!
So there you have it, folks. Elizabeth Holmes, the mastermind behind the Theranos catastrophe, is apparently strapped for cash. Who could’ve seen that coming? Let’s all shed a tear for this poor entrepreneur who couldn’t quite revolutionize healthcare with fake technology. May her struggle to make ends meet be a lesson to us all. Farewell, Elizabeth, and may your financial woes be as fleeting as your integrity.