The Hilarious News
In a shocking turn of events, the U.S. Coast Guard has decided to end its antiterrorism patrols around Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Yes, you read that right. The patrols are no more! This special security operation was put in place after the Sept. 11 attacks and involved crews on fast boats armed with heavy machine guns.
Can you imagine? These brave souls have been patrolling the coast near the prison complex for a staggering 21 years! They were like superheroes protecting us from potential terrorists lurking in the waters. But alas, it is time for them to bid farewell to their heroic duties.
And let’s not forget about their other job responsibilities. Not only did they patrol the waters like badass action movie stars, but they also served as courtroom security guards at military commission hearings and staffed sandbagged seaside bunkers called “battle positions.” I mean, who wouldn’t want that job title on their resume?
Now hold onto your seats because here comes the real shocker – there are only 30 prisoners left at Guantánamo Bay! Can you believe it? From a whopping 780 detainees between 2002 and 2008 (thanks George W. Bush), we’re now down to just a small handful of troublemakers.
But that’s not all! The military has already downsized the prison staff to about 1,000 troops and civilians. They even closed down a fancy Camp 7 where they kept the so-called high-value detainees. It’s like they’re playing a game of musical chairs but with detention facilities.
Why It Absolutely Matters: This mission was costing us an arm and a leg!
Do you have any idea how much money was being thrown at this operation? Brace yourself – it cost more than $13 million per prisoner each year in 2019! I mean, who needs that kind of cash when we could be spending it on something way more important like building amusement parks or creating ice cream flavors?
And get this – according to the Department of Homeland Security, they spent over $50 million in 2021 alone just to deploy and maintain those Coast Guard members at Guantánamo Bay. Talk about going broke for protection!
But fear not, my friends. The decision to end these patrols also indicates that maybe, just maybe, we aren’t as terrified of Al Qaeda splashing onto our shores anymore. I guess their mermaid tails weren’t as intimidating as we thought.
The Shocking Backstory: It all started with a massive freak-out after 9/11.
In a true panic mode, the Defense Department rushed to deploy the first Coast Guard port security unit to Guantánamo in January 2002. They were like, “We’ve got to defend this place at all costs!” before any detainees even arrived. Dedication or overreaction? You decide!
And get this – thirty-nine different Coast Guard units took turns patrolling the bay (ending with the same Virginia unit). I guess they didn’t want anyone getting bored of their impressive boat skills and machine gun expertise. Gotta keep things fresh and exciting!
Oh, and here’s a fun fact for you – throughout those years of intense security measures, not once did these brave soldiers encounter any enemy forces! Although, they did manage to stop a few wannabe migrants from approaching our base. Let’s give them some credit for that!
What Lies Ahead: Don’t worry, other troops have got this under control.
According to the Coast Guard’s official news release, the harbor patrol and Marine security forces on the base will now handle all the “antiterrorism force protection” duties. In other words, someone else will be taking care of business.
But hold onto your hats because there’s more excitement coming your way! Hearings have resumed at Guantánamo for a death penalty case against a Saudi prisoner accused of orchestrating Al Qaeda’s suicide bombing of the U.S.S. Cole in 2000. Seventeen sailors lost their lives that day. So it looks like we still get to enjoy some courtroom drama!
And just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, guess what? We’re getting our 22nd commander for the Guantánamo detention mission this month – an Army colonel! After two decades of one- and two-star generals or admirals running the show, we finally have a fresh face in charge. Let’s hope they bring some new dance moves to lighten up this rather tense atmosphere.
