Last week, leading icon of radical liberalism and perpetual sequin-wearer Cher got all teary-eyed in court after Judge Judy (or someone like that… we’re not sure who exactly it was), shot down her plea for an emergency babysitter to watch over her middle-aged son Elijah Blue Allman.
Contrary To Popular Belief, Chers Do Cry
A whirl from People Magazine’s gossip windmill reported that the pop icon couldn’t keep a stiff upper lip as lawyers brought up concerns for her kin’s health and safety. Apparently Miss Auto-Tune had requested this intervention because she believes young Allman is sinking faster than a lead balloon without life support – financial life-support at least.
The attorney painted a portrait of motherly concern: “She fears this time next year her son might be auditioning for the role of Ophelia in Hamlet” because our lad is allegedly high on drugs and haunted by “schizoaffective disorder”. Also, Cher has apparently been shopping around for bipolar diagnoses like picking out ripe avocados from a farmer’s market.
“We’ve been told that if mama bear doesn’t step in now, then baby bear will probably end up looking for honey in all the wrong dumpsters,” said Cher’s attorney.
Baby Bear Ain’t No Cub Anymore
Allman rubbished his mom’s claims saying he was already getting help. But, Cher insisted she knows what lives inside her boy’s head better than him: Not your average meth-addicted squirrel but full-blown mental illness hobgoblins.
Elijah’s legal miseries also saw him having blankets thrown over his tantrums under California law 5150 holds (In layman terms: A contender to join ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest’ roster). This even happened last September when Elijah was supposedly sober yet acted as nutty as squirrel poop.
The Warrior Queen Powers Through
“We’re trying to stop my dear cub tipping off the cliff edge.” That sums up how earnestly mommy dearest wants this conservatorship going while being perfectly okay with some third-party nanny-cum-watchdog joining the act to keep an eye on Allman who belongs in a Broadway drama rather than courtrooms.
The Judge Serves Up Cold Justice Soup For Cher!
In spite of social media jingles building #TeamCher, she woke up to a nightmare as Judge’s gavel struck her request. The judge predicted a trial circus; no smoking gun but the typical hogwash of “fears” and hypothetical speculations.
“Quite frankly ma’am your fears aren’t enough for me to scribble down my verdict! Allman seems drug-free; has an apartment which is not cardboard box under the bridge and manages finances pretty well unlike some government bodies I know of.”
Elijah Not-So-Blue Anymore; Pops Champagne!
The dust settled with another round on March 6 while Cher’s son was rolling around giggling over his courtroom win.
Cher was once married to the late Allman Brothers singer Gregg Allman, making Elijah a heir of two prolific singers. So, what’s your take on this saga? Any thoughts about Cher’s latest chart-topping hit “Mother Knows Best?” Is conservatorship the new black?
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Cher Breaks Down In Court As She Suffers Major Defeat – ‘Would Not Be Alive…’