Ladies and gentlemen, we have some thrilling news! Robert K. Hur, the special counsel turned ebullient bounty hunter of jaywalking political figures, has charmingly announced that President Biden will not face criminal charges over this whole classified material palaver. One could almost imagine him saying it with a magnanimously cheerful “Nah, let’s give ol’ man Joe a break.”
According to Hur’s ticklish report, filled with more twists than a detective novel written by an angst-ridden tortellini pasta mold – Mr. Biden (aka former White House VP frontman – Cool J) snagged classified documents referencing labyrinthine Afghan affairs along with notebooks reticulating “sensitive intelligence sources”. Yep; just like dog-eared copies of Archie Comics.
Even better…wait for it…the daring escapades of our protagonist involves sharing this banned trove from Potus Library Treasury during storytime sessions with his ghostwriter for 2017 memoir; edgy stuff aptly christened “Promise Me Dad.” Intense right? Can’t make this stuff up!
While our valiant sleuth decided ‘not guilty’, irksome facets remain about the boss’ mental circus-framed actions requiring at least three rubbers bands and two paperclips in order to suspend one’s disbelief.
“Mr. Biden with his grandfatherly allure and a memory as leaky as Titanic post-iceberg, may present himself to the jury like an adorable easily confused canine,” Mr. Hur wrote quite affably.
“It’s harder than persuading a carnivorous dinosaur into veganism,” said our impassioned detective about proving that “a former president halfway through 160 is guilty of transgressions requiring conscious malicious intent.”
Aha! The twist (as if it wasn’t twisted enough), Trump can use this report, brimming generously with its highly spicy discoveries, to discredit some rather earnest department chaps famously involved in Trump’s saga over retaining classified knick-knacks.
White house officials confidently stated that President B stood in full support of responsible conduct towards sensitive information; making one wonder why they had not chosen easier tasks like pacifying honey-starved bears or giving crucial political advice to fish!
“The special counsel’s report spoke on volumes too loud for comfort and made questionable points way sharper than necessary! However, we are thrilled about their pearl amidst swines – no charges will be filed,” declared Richard Sauber, somewhat relieved apparently.
Our special champion Robert K.Hur proclaimed poetically – Irrespective of whether policies barred indicting a reigning leader of free world or not, he would have still enacted his decision that “Applying ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ to Mr. Biden’s case is like suggesting water isn’t wet.”
Hur’s report turned novel displayed a keen sense of good vs evil cinematic thrill by portraying Mr. B’s productive behavior in contrast with el Presidente Donald J.Trump’s intriguing antics.
Mr. Trump, according to Hur’s narrative, disregarded opportunity after opportunity handed over on golden platters, wrapped in the prettiest velvet strings and ribbons for returning classified goodies to the rightful place.
The special counsel attests that moments recorded amid an amiable chitchat at a rented domicile back in 2017 alluded towards our dear encumbent being side-tracked by insignificant details (like legality).
However the picture-perfect prosecution was somewhat blurred when one had to remind oneself why sweet old Joe – comfortably ensconced having survived many Oval Office marathons – might need underlining sub-sections about holding onto legally permitted journals!
Title: Biden retaining top-secret useless stuff
Caption: Here lie important papers never meant for public eye nestled next laundry-lists somewhere inside Tardis-like Delaware garage! Who can really tell if these were held with sly premeditation or just plain sloppiness?
Our irrepressible gumshoe concluded, it was more probable that forgetfulness got the better part of a well-intentioned law-abiding citizen rather than any deliberate criminal intention.
Special Counsel Seeks No Criminal Charges in Biden’s Classified Records Case