WASHINGTON (AP) — In a shocking turn of events, President Joe Biden has taken forgetfulness to new heights. A recent special counsel’s report investigating his possession of classified documents painted a picture of the 81-year-old Democrat as having memory issues that make goldfish look like savants.
The report described Biden’s memory as being similar to those old TV sets with poor reception – “hazy,” “fuzzy,” and “faulty.” It noted alarming lapses in the president’s recall, such as forgetting when he was vice president or even when his son Beau passed away. If this were an episode of ‘Jeopardy!’, it’d be safe to say Biden wouldn’t be winning any cash prizes.
Biden won’t face charges for mishandling classified documents because apparently, according to the report, prosecuting him would seem too much like picking on your doddery grandpa who can barely remember where he left his glasses. Voters are already going into this year’s election with some serious side-eye about Biden’s age and potential mental capacity concerns – scrutinizing his gaffes, coughing fits and slower-than-a-snail pace walking speed.
In response to these allegations against their boss’ memory, White House lawyers penned a Feb. 5 letter arguing that forgetting years-old details is not surprising or unusual – particularly when concerning packing or moving certain documents. It’s almost like they’re suggesting we should all be impressed that Biden can remember to tie his shoelaces each morning.
Former President Donald Trump, the current Republican front-runner and self-proclaimed memory champion, has also at times claimed not to recall certain events in legal proceedings – but let’s face it, who hasn’t?
Biden pointed out that he had sat for five hours of interviews with Hur’s team on Oct. 8 and 9 while in the midst of handling an international crisis. Because nothing says ‘I’ve got this’ like forgetting important details during a high-stakes investigation while simultaneously dealing with global issues.
In an August poll by The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research, 77% of U.S. adults said Biden is too old to effectively serve four more years – a sentiment shared across party lines because nothing unites people quite like agreeing someone else is past their prime.
The release of the report coincided with Biden speeches where he reportedly conversed with European leaders who had left office since the 1990s and passed away several years ago. Either Biden has developed psychic abilities or someone needs to update his contact list ASAP!
But let’s not forget about our favorite orange-hued ex-president! The septuagenarian Trump isn’t immune from memory lapses either – such as confusing former U.N Ambassador Nikki Haley (a major opponent) with Rep Nancy Pelosi (not even in the same ballpark).
In response to these revelations, some Republicans were quick to express alarm over Twitter – sorry X! They suggested that if you’re too senile for trial then maybe you shouldn’t be running a country either – talk about stating the obvious!
To cap things off, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre tried her best to downplay Biden’s gaffes at the daily news briefing, arguing that slip-ups are common for public figures. I mean, who hasn’t accidentally claimed to have talked with dead people or mixed up major political figures? Happens all the time!
It seems like despite these concerns about Biden’s mental sharpness, his team remains supportive and focused on addressing issues that matter to Americans. But let’s be honest — we’re all just waiting for the next hilarious brain-fart!
Associated Press writer Seung Min Kim in Washington contributed to this report while probably stifling a giggle or two.
Biden’s memory is ‘hazy’ and ‘poor,’ says a special counsel’s report raising questions about his age