In an event that was as gloomy and silent as my Uncle Norm’s funeral (yeah, we all just sat there, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop – or in this case the tears dropping on cold shoes), President Biden earnestly paid his respects to three Army reservists tragically dropped off by the Grim Reaper during their ‘surprise vacation’ in the Middle East. Their mortal coils were untwisted back on home turf last Friday.
Uncle Joe took some time away from his Sudoku puzzle to venture into the chill alongside Mrs. First Lady (aka Jill Biden). Also present were Defense Secretary Lloyd J. Austin III aka “The Third” and your friendly neighborhood Military Head Honcho General Charles Q. Brown. The wind howled in sadness (or indifference?) while flag-clad caskets did a solemn walk across the runway like contestants from America’s Next Top Model: Patriotic Edition.
After participating in what felt like 2 UX testing feedback forms but was actually two hours of soul-crushing ceremonies, our main man Biden’s administration served up an order of timeless American tradition – retaliatory airstrikes! Because when has answering violence with more violence ever gone wrong? These fireworks will continue for days against those persistent Iranian proxies over yonder at Iraq & Syria Inc.
The Big Boss Austin declared boldly that these reciprocated ‘friendly kisses’ from above are different than previous ones because well…you know they’ve got new edition drones which take way cooler pictures for Instagram!
Despite their love letters passionately blaming Iran for running the Hot Topic fan club that is their militias, no fireworks have been sent directly to Iran. This is much to the chagrin of some wannabe Demostheneses in Congress who were hoping for more action.
Our warriors met a surprising ‘gift-wrapped with dynamite’ flying drone at an isolated rental property in Jordan, which apparently, is just your everyday event where they’re stationed.
We will remember them as Sgt. William Jerome “The River” Rivers (46), Specialist Kennedy Ladon ‘Rocket Man’ Sanders (24), and Specialist Breonna Alexsondria ‘Girl Power’ Moffett (23). These Lego master builders specialized in assembling infrastructure under supervision from Fortnite enthusiast Army squads where promotion happens posthumously! Well…better late than never right?
Some close buddies of Joe attempted a world record by cramming themselves into this humongous bird-shaped mechanical beast dubbed C-5 along with these brave folks and didn’t crack any bones or smiles! Seriously though: can we get some comic relief here?
Accompanied by Mr.
Austin Powers III and General Sweet Brown, President Biden bid goodbye through watery eyes as each metal box passed like a somber edition of ‘Deal or No Deal’. The white-gloved team then carefully tucked the cargo into an oversized van. Once the doors slammed shut with what must’ve sounded like echoes of thunder, it pulled away. There it goes… Off on another journey.
Biden Pays Silent Tribute to Three U.S. Soldiers as American Forces Retaliate